This is sadly all true. Many women have a delusional existence of completely overblown sexual marketplace value, expectations of men and zero accountability. They conflate the notion that just because they can easily find a man to hook up with, that is enough to keep him. A man has to bring to the table a litany of traits: height, status, financial position, sense of humor, etc. You ask them what they offer and you get crickets other than “me”.
As you point out Mark, this is a multifactorial problem but I would add that many lack positive male role models. Sadly, many of these women are partially ‘created’ by their fathers as daddy’s little princesses. This being a recipe I vowed not to follow with raising my daughter. They are shown they can get what they want by throwing a tantrum or some other act.
There is already a reckoning happening with the growing MGTOW movement. Men are wising up but given our biological proclivity to pair bond, staying away indefinitely is not ideal. Marriage in most parts of the world is about duty. A union of 2 to survive and raise a family. Not the mindset in the west for sure.
Men to be f’ing men. Our sense of self worth is directly proportional to how we let ourselves be treated.
We must educate EVERYBODY. Terry Real has written a book, US, about how to create a lasting marital relationship. He states that too often both males and females feel like victims when their partner does something that they don't like. And they might try to force the other person to see the error of their ways. Terry says you can't do this. "Would you rather be right or be married?"
Polly Young-Eisendrath is a Jungian analyst describing how to respond to people so that you remain curious about their thinking and don't automatically judge and blame when someone disappoints you.
I find I'm getting along much better with myself and the rest of the world following their advice.
We must educate everyone. When people collaborate we must never stoop to criticizing devaluing commanding feeling entitled. Both males and females must appreciate each other. I watched a Hindu marriage on YouTube a few weeks ago. The woman fed the man he thanked her for it. The man then fed the woman, and she, in turn, thanked him for it. I don't know how they treated each other after the marriage ceremony but reciprocity is certainly a great start.
Oh Phil I recently saw a cartoon meme that expressed this very idea. There were two parts. The top part then man is describing what he can offer: I have my own farm, I own 5 horses, I sell dairy products as well, I make a good living, I have a large house with good heating and make enough money to start a family, etc.
Then he asks the woman what do you bring to the table? She opens her jacket and flashes two enormous breasts.
I think the humor expresses resentment. Why should males have to work so hard for pretty much nothing? Why does their sexual desire not lead them into a loving appreciative mutual caring relationship--but instead an entitled ungrateful "bitch"?
How do we bring diplomacy to negotiate an end to the sex wars? Or will it be, instead, the nuclear option?
Misogynist! I'm laughing right now..."Seventy Single and Sane." Love it.
Excellent point about the lack of the red wave. Women, in particular, have allowed their angry feelings toward Trump to get in the way of voting their true interests. Brilliant play by the Democrats to seed Trump Derangement Syndrome across the nation, and utterly destructive.
Yes they did a great job. I was so happy when trump won...but i started watching CNN and even I started to doubt him right away ...to the point of being inflicted with TDS...I woke up when covid censorship became apparent...and came to my senses....
Two words explain the Female voter problem IMO "The View" ....100% of their audience is Female for sure ...sheesh
Anyhow thanks again...this article is brilliant. i posted it on our very busy Board ...Goldtent and it triggered a very lively interesting discussion...I am looking forward to following your work
What a great discussion--great to read everyone's thoughts on this board. One person pointed to her experience with dance, and its traditional lead / follow roles, as a place that preserves healthy male / female dynamics. Even that, though, is under attack, as a "traditional" French dance instructor in Paris was recently fired from her job after insisting that all her students refer to one another as "men" and "women" with sex-assigned lead / follow roles. So this problem is not just American but extends well into Western Europe, as another writer pointed out.
I used to follow West Coast Swing channels on YouTube. Both males and females are required to learn both roles because there may not be an even sex ratio. I used to be far more interested in the males. I thought they were much better at following than the females were at leading. But that's probably only because I was more attracted to them.
Here is an example of a grossly overweight male dancing with a petite female. They are obviously collaborating despite her greater mobility. He often tries imitating her moves--getting a huge round of laughter and applause. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgwTU9UlHK4 At one point he surprises her by kissing her and she imitates wiping off his saliva. Then a little while later she attempts to reverse roles (although he's MUCH taller.) And now he is the one wiping off her saliva from the kiss.
Here is Jordan Frisbee dancing with his wife Tatiana Mollmann. She is a much more aggressive dancer, but he seems content or even to enjoy following her moves. They are both fantastic dancers. It's underrated how good he is at responding to her showy gymnastic moves even though he looks more passive.
John Lindo was very big in the WCS world 20 years ago. Not sure if he's still around or not. Jordan and Tatiana are still professional dance partners and operate out of LA but travel the world. Jordan is probably the best consistent lead in WCS for over two decades.
Are you a fan? WCS shut down a bit during Covid. I think John was dancing in 2018 BUT he gained so much weight!! He's a great dancer and obviously loves the music, but I'd love to see what he could do if he were normal BMI. (Yeah and let's reverse his age, too, while we're at it.)
Jordan started dancing when he was 5 or 6. If you really want to be good at something--start from birth!! That's why so many parents have children who are also skilled in the same discipline.
Brilliant work once again. It is important that people in this field (psychology) point out the Emperor has no clothes, thank god you are doing just that....in my practice I call this "archetypal dysfunction" ...the functioning of the relational masculine/feminine archetypes in men and women in relationship (or two compatible sexual orientations) must be regarded...you don't have to necessarily follow them, but you must be conscious if you are going to deviate from their energy. There really is no reason to NOT follow them as they have worked very well for quite some time...but if you resist and oppose that energy unconsciously, you end up with exactly what you describe here so eloquently. (you can also be tricked into this dysfunction by the culture at large)
I work with men in particular that express these issues (women too, but usually then only in couples). The "puer aeterna" is a huge concern (the video game playing couch potato)...eternal boy who has no idea how to interface with a "real live girl"...you have opened my eyes to the female side of this dysfunction, which is just as pertinent. All of this is culture driven, and now, after this Covid fiasco, I believe it is intentionally driven to breakdown society...I know, sounds dramatic...but it is too "out there" to be a natural evolutionary phenomenon.
Yes, archetypes are excellent models to follow when nothing seems to make sense--they help orient you much like a compass but in a multi-dimensional way that not includes direction but embodiment. Both men and women ignore them at their peril.
I'd like to give you 10 extra likes for your comment. In my family of origin, my mother was an angry alcoholic. My stepfather also drank heavily (didn't lots of families in the 50's?). She would yell at him, and he then would provoke her on purpose. He knew exactly what to say to trigger an explosive angry drunken retort. He was the kindly "sober" understanding male. And she was the deranged angry female raging at "bad men," men she hated. My mother yelled at me all the time when she was drinking and probably reliving traumatic memories of sexual abuse which I couldn't understand. I wish I could go back in time now and get her or give her effective treatment. She kept saying men were no good, they wanted only one thing and I needed to kill them and fight back. Are you kidding? My real father never once yelled at me. Of course, I didn't see him much and he was a happy drunk. Anyway, I ended up convinced that males are the victims and females are the perpetrators that must to control themselves so as not to offend. Men and women both need relationship therapy to understand that a good relationship is based on "soft power." Asking, not demanding. But standing up for yourself. Not becoming the all giving subservient Stepford wife. Here's Terry explaining his relationship goals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb1-C5j_OUg&list=TLPQMTcwNzIwMjPc0gjINpOfOQ&index=3
Correction. Not all women. Democrats pivoted from supporting the working class to supporting the technocrats. Rural, conservative women are fine with Trump. Or more fine than urban professional women who think of him as crude and unappealing.
So true. Denis Rancourt thinks reason for higher death rates from Covid in southern rural areas is due to combination of infections with weed killer toxicities. I just finished a great book, Relationships 5.0. The book describes how family structures and relationships change with new technologies. Relationship 1.0 was hunter gathering with small egalitarian tribes of about 15-20 people living in relative harmony. Their values discouraged narcissism. They praised the arrow (made by elderly or females) rather than the hunter, for example. Now along comes agriculture. Less starvation, more productivity. Rise of multigenerational families and the patriarchy so land would stay in the family. Arranged marriages. Man and woman with assigned roles working together on the farm. Now industrialization causes Relationship 3.0 with the rise of urban centers and factories. You have smaller nuclear families and people marry for love. Capitalism forces more individualism and competition. Each family has its own refrigerator, its own car, etc. Next Relationship 4.0 is rise of technology, smart phones, severe individualism. We each can demand our own special environment with our own bubble of truth. We don't share the same media, we become more and more narcissistic. Females can do the same work as males and think they can demand the same respect, privileges and control. Finally, cheers the author, we are at the brink of Relationships 5.0 where AI will make it possible for humans to have perfectly attuned companions, sex robots that will be the perfect lover--especially for males dissatisfied with the pushy, entitled females of Relationship 4.0. AI robots will service the elderly who can be safely warehoused where they won't bother anybody. We are at the brink of utopia, the author exults. What's your opinion about transhumanism? I'm thinking about a brain implant to receive my government orders directly from the 5G cell phone towers which will soon be built on almost every New York sidewalk. A real necessity for the increasingly necessary surveillance which our modern government requires.
Although I have no desire for us to return to tribalism, guaranteeing nothing but a short and brutish life, internationalism is equally undesirable. Communities should evolve. Technology is necessary to improve living standards. Robots can perform dangerous work and protect people from injury. I see the source of the problem not in modernization (farms, factories, cities, computers) but in the rise of secular culture. Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression were measurably lower in the US in the 1950s, at the peak of our "modernization." We were also a much more religious nation. Absent religion, a vacuum of meaning opens up, and what fills it are destructive and immoral movements like marxism, feminism, and environmentalism. We are not failing because we are moving forward. We are failing because we are moving backward, to a pre-biblical age best defined as paganism.
When I say "we" it isn't actually true. Some of us today are still living in small tribal communities. We have agrarian multi family farming communities, along with small family houses and members commuting to work in the city, along with small apartments with single persons, and lonely isolated people avoiding other people avoiding marriage and dating and having affairs with their phones. Are you part of a religious community yourself?
I respect your directness, Dr. McDonald. I’m thankful I’ve been married over 35 years to a wise man who also tells it like it is. I loved your book United States of Fear, too!
The culture of the West has been infiltrated by the neo-Marxist ideologies. The institutions that teach being "a man" is not cool, and being "a woman" is un-feminine is all by design to destroy the traditional values of not just of America's past that are rooted in Judeo/Christian ethics but to destroy the fabric of reality. Unless Marxism is exposed and refuted this country will soon be broken up into many pieces. But that is the Marxist agenda for many years now...and it looks like they won.
I just discussed this on the Jesse Lee Peterson show--the Manhood Hour--today. A caller complained that his wife was holding him hostage emotionally and preventing him from relocating the family to another city. He would not stand up to her because he feared she would take the kids and move in with her parents, who would align against him. Jesse calmly suggested that he take the kids and leave, and let his wife follow...or not. The caller was so afraid to face the emotional blowback from his wife of establishing himself as the man of the house that he couldn't bring himself to accept Jesse's counsel. This call encapsulates what America has done to manhood today.
I agree with much of this observation on our culture's current state of affairs.
And even as a woman, I can understand to some degree the level of frustration in men with this dilemma because women have had a similar problem for some time.
Some people show up in life as newly minted 18 yr olds, ready to be an adult and accept responsibility. The rest of us have to figure it out as we go. I count myself in the second group.
Complaining, at it's core, is a projection of powerlessness. Individuals making requests and being willing to listen to others contribute a great deal to improving the smallest component of a culture, the individual.
If one desires hope in any aspect of our society, it would be helpful to do as Ghandi advised and be the change that one wishes to see in the world.
Being the change means growing up. I've found that when I desire to make conscious personal improvement, it is work. And it involves pain. But it's productive pain and well worth the effort because when the work is done, the pain is a memory and not a recurring trauma.
This a personal sacrifice that most are not willing to make: to give up infantile thinking and put the other first. This is how real love behaves and love is the fuel of a healthy society.
The left opposes truth, joy, and love. Until we all acknowledge this, despite political differences, and unite to fight it, we will remain mired in this circular firing squad.
Yes. As we mature and become less selfish, we find the others with whom we can unite.
Not everyone desires to do this kind of work; it's very uncomfortable and exposes darkness within oneself. But, Love truly overcomes evil because evil is a corruption of what is good and going back the source of beauty, goodness and truth, we find love. Love was there first.
When I first became aware of the feminist movement, I was a student at Berkeley in 1968. Even then I knew that this would not turn out well, and it's even worse than my young self could imagine. Fortunately, I married a wonderful man, we have a traditional marriage (48 years), and my heart breaks for these young women who miss out on the blessing of being women. Many years ago, I had a conversation with an elderly German woman who was visiting our church, she said that she felt so sorry for all of these young women who would never know that joy of courtship. That sort of summed it uo=p.
Thanks for another honest and insightful piece, Dr. M. Merry Christmas!
The biggest losers from the feminist movement are, ironically, the women. Those women who rail against my views are in that group, which is doubly sad.
Actually it seems many dogs cannot resist playing with porcupines. I used to watch "The Incredible Dr. Pol," a veterinarian reality show. Many times dogs would come in with their mouths covered in porcupine quills which the vets would laboriously extract. The dogs usually required sedation since it was so painful a procedure. Yet they never learned. I am an American woman, and I try to control my quills and hope to be able to play with American men--even if it's only tennis.
I agree with some of your ideas--and I disagree with others. About personality and values, I definitely agree. Narcissism, ingratitude, overbearing, judgmental, arrogance, lack of support. Yes, I see this in many substack posts with women criticizing men. I do not agree. I feel men are desirable, wonderful, attractive (drool).
But I don't think sexual attraction should be the main basis for a relationship.
I disagree that the criteria for females should be pretty, charming, carefree.
PRETTY
I do think it's required for both males and females to take care of their health, personal grooming, and appearance. We aren't all gifted with physical beauty. I find most men appealing--at least they nearly all have one or two good selling points. But I do require cleanliness. Especially teeth. Because that's so easy to remedy. For me, I might need prodding (let your hair grow, wear skirts, exercise more. Fortunately weight and skin are just about perfect). I'm open to suggestion, but need a lot of reinforcement because comfort is a big motivator for me. Why wear lipstick when it's only going to wear off when kissing?
CHARMING
If that means responsive. Able to attract the man's interest (i.e. showing appreciation, getting involved with shared interests/activities) Is that what it means? Because charming becomes more like hunger/thirst. You are attracted or charmed to start to pay attention--but what's going to keep your attention once you have begun to spend time together? NO ONE is charming 24/7, I can assure you. But people can, like dogs, show our affection and happiness to be with this other person.
LET'S TAKE CAREFREE
If you are choosing the mother of your children, do you want the mother to be carefree? Darling, where is Justin? Has he been fed? "Oh, he'll be fine. He's around somewhere." To require a person to be carefree makes sense only when paired with its opposite: hypersensitivity, extreme anxiety, overly caring.
When I dated my husband and we eventually married, he actually enjoyed my hypersensitivity. And I enjoyed his stoicism, rationality, and preternatural calmness. (He was an engineer) I looked at him when I first saw him (in a Feldenkrais/Gestalt therapy workshop) and thought, "I need this man. He will help me calm down.
Yes, this was absolutely the case. Later I would be rushing around the apartment moaning where is my purse? My purse is lost! After 10 minutes of frantic complaints, my husband would look up from his computer and tell me, "It's not lost." And then go back to working. I felt better. But he told me, too, that he valued my hypersensitivity it made him feel alive. Everyone else told him that they might go crazy paired with such an anxious person.
My husband was generally self absorbed, highly critical of his mates, and demanding. But I grew up getting constant criticism from my mother, so I thought it was really nice he wasn't yelling and he wasn't drinking--so he was great. Also he knew he asked for a lot and praised me for being so responsive to him.
I will try very hard to bring value to my relationships. For example, I am taking the trouble to learn Dutch to show one of my friends born in the Netherlands that I want to be able to converse in his native tongue. He likes that.
I know most men prefer their women to have long hair. I have short hair because I'm really tired, and I don't want to spend a lot of time caring for my hair.
My rules for attraction are pretty much the same for both male and female persons. The number one thing (I think I'm a bit autistic) is what activities do you like? What is your world view? Do you like discussing things and trading opinions? My husband and I were both world class hypochondriacs, searching for ways to keep ourselves healthy. When he choose me over other girlfriends, he told me, "I think you will be most likely to care for me." (He was 10 years older, but looked much younger.) I'm the same. I always look younger than I am. He proved to be right. I cared for him 24/7 from September 2016 to January 2017 when he died. I adored him.
Before he became completely disabled, we played tennis together almost every day. I'm very strong and athletic so we were evenly matched. We loved learning new skills together. I taught him volleyball, and he joined my volleyball practice and became a favorite with our team.
I have a degree in music, and he loved singing, so I used to go with him to his singing lesson.
We loved psychology and regularly attended psychotherapy workshops (where I met him). We would discuss how to manage our psychological weaknesses. He hoped for more energy, I hoped to learn how to fit in.
We adored food and tried out every new restaurant as soon as it opened.
We both worked with computers. I was more patient and he was more inventive. He bought all our new computers and loaded the latest software. I would debug the problems. I would also handle all correspondence because I type at the speed of light.
We didn't have too many other friends because we were so busy enjoying each other. I think he was better than I at socializing because he didn't get so easily upset by any signs of disapproval. We both had high demands for attention (he more than I), which we were both fairly happy to fulfill.
We were married happily for almost 40 years. If I ever choose another partner to date--it won't be going to a bar or a party or dating app or anything like that. Instead, I would pick someone that I enjoyed talking to in a health food store (about supplements), in a conference about Covid or playing tennis or reading group.
I don't believe in "THE ONE" meaning that the man is supposed to adore me, be the best of all available mates, cater to my every demand. NO. I believe we must at minimal be compatible i.e. I won't survive with a smoker because I have COPD. I believe we will be collaborating. I will have now relationship with another human being who is endlessly fascinating and provides stimulation, shared activities, and someone for me to cherish. I intend to learn how. (Each person has their own standards for how to feel loved.) My man doesn't have to be perfect. And we don't have to agree on everything. (Just no drug addicts or serial killers, please). Let's see how much we can enjoy each other.
This was so hard to read as you come off as a hurt little child.. no offence but what did you expect living in LA ,not to mention students from UCLA for that matter? To be fair, I detest that Mom Jeans are a thing now or that OnyFans is becoming a normalized platform that is somehow empowering women and don't even get me started on men putting on a dress and competing in women's sports.. We had to demand the right to vote and equal pay because it wasn't going to be given to us- now it seems, women are being pushed in the background again , this time by men in drag.. WTH??
Being raised in the south with three older brothers I was taught to work hard for the things I wanted and not just marry well as was the wish of many a young women in the 60, 70s.. I'm sure women were women in the 40 and 50s but listening to my mother , who was happily married to my father for over 60 years , the closest they ever came to devoicing was when my dad came home from the war and she had to quit her job and get back into the kitchen. We are all products of our environment and that's the generation that raised me.. moving forward think about the generation that raised todays girls and what they endured by men in the office. Could it be that they perhaps went a little over board because they didn't want their daughters to be subject to the sexual harassment they endured in the work place?
Sounds like you were raised by excellent parents who modeled a good, healthy marriage. Sadly, that has become a thing of the past for most young women today. Narcissism has taken its place. The lifetime prevalence of depression among American women now exceeds 40%, as does chronic singledom. This is a natural consequence of the feminist movement, which cares as much about women as BLM cares about blacks, teachers' unions care about students, or the transgender "rights" movement cares about children. And both sexes continue to suffer.
I hate the term "Feminist". Is it feminism to want to be treated fairly? I don't doubt that your medical experience with young people gives you better understanding/ insight then most, but seems your view is slightly narrow. Again LA, really? To be fair, I could say the same about Miami, New York, even Chi town.. but the fly over states , the south? No.
Having just joined, I have enjoyed your writing and look forward ( with highlighter in hand) to reading your books. Just know there's a small bird poking her head out from time to time to keep you honest. :)
Your a conservative man on an island surrounded by She Sharks. God help you.
Thank you for the support, Robin. To answer your (rhetorical) question, no, it's not. Feminism is a Left-wing collectivist movement based on hatred of men and disgust with the feminine. It has roped in well-meaning women (and men) for decades, despite is utter lack of concern or interest in furthering the well-being of women.
To point out a more glaring comparison--the "anti-racism" movement. Sounds great. Who's for racism? Yet it's a Marxist hate group. These deceptions are explained in my Red Pill Course--How to Not be Fooled at ipak-edu. Until we can see through the lies, we remain bound by them.
She believes that men playing video games while women do all the work and raise the kids as well are in a quest for honor--and that we need to restore honor to males who have lost their roles as the protector, the bread winner, the fireman, police officer--i.e., well-paying valued blue collar work that requires strength and is respected. And now honor is only virtual. Really good points.
Saw J.P.Sears reporting on Disney's new remake of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." The new version seems to omit men. Snow White is not going to be kissed by a prince. No dwarves either. J.P. Sears speculates, maybe she will remain dead. Disney seems to be saying we need men to remain weak--while women are empowered. So empowered, in fact, that they don't need anyone. Watch the channel to see how Disney may be losing even more viewers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L72BhAYTiM&list=TLPQMDMwODIwMjMvnPXobBsUZQ&index=14
I just saw a meme from Bad Cattitude. It made me think of this substack post. The meme compares Teens in 60 B.C. vs. Teens Today. The teen from 60 B.C. is a dog standing proud with enormous biceps wearing shiny armor carrying a heavy sword and shield. He announces, "I have returned from gladiator training and ready for my arranged marriage." The teen of today is sitting back wearing an LGBTQ flag on his head. He whimpers, "Mom, Timmy called me a he."
Thinking of this substack when I listen to Terry Real a couples therapist who lectures on "Soft Power" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr3oosphVFI&t=62s Terry states that as industrialization gave females more and more power to become independent because of birth control and access to high paying jobs that didn't require heavy lifting they became more and more demanding. "I am woman--hear me roar!" Terry approves of increased vulnerability for the male partner. He believes that everyone will better from a more companionate marriage. But scolding and demanding is not the way to go. The males used to have dominance. "Why should I listen to her?" they impatiently ask Terry as he gives them therapy. "Hello? You LIVE with her. If she's dissatisfied she will continue to make you miserable." Always, he says, the partner who is losing the argument makes the other partner pay for it. Who's right? Who's wrong? The answer is -- who cares, says Terry. Would you rather be right--or rather be married? He says the problem with our current strategy in relationships is we take what we get--until someone displeases us. Then we shoot them down with our displeasure. This is no way to create a loving relationship! Don't try to force your partner to do your will by showing them how wrong they are. Take a time out, if necessary, but tell them you will return in x minutes or they will keep pursuing you. Here's his solution to the argument, "You are a bad driver. No I'm not. Yes you are, you tail gate, you speed, you change lanes, etc. You are over anxious, I'm an excellent driver. I have great reflexes."
BETTER. Darling, I love you very much. I know you care for me. You don't want me to constantly worry and freak out when we're driving together--do you? Could you just drive 10 mph slower as a favor to me?
HE: OK.
Terry has a great solution to the difficulty when your partner is criticizing you. It works 50% of the time. What's the solution? Give them what they want. His lecture is really good. It worked for me a lot of times! And even if it didn't I felt so much better. Less outraged.
This is sadly all true. Many women have a delusional existence of completely overblown sexual marketplace value, expectations of men and zero accountability. They conflate the notion that just because they can easily find a man to hook up with, that is enough to keep him. A man has to bring to the table a litany of traits: height, status, financial position, sense of humor, etc. You ask them what they offer and you get crickets other than “me”.
As you point out Mark, this is a multifactorial problem but I would add that many lack positive male role models. Sadly, many of these women are partially ‘created’ by their fathers as daddy’s little princesses. This being a recipe I vowed not to follow with raising my daughter. They are shown they can get what they want by throwing a tantrum or some other act.
There is already a reckoning happening with the growing MGTOW movement. Men are wising up but given our biological proclivity to pair bond, staying away indefinitely is not ideal. Marriage in most parts of the world is about duty. A union of 2 to survive and raise a family. Not the mindset in the west for sure.
Men to be f’ing men. Our sense of self worth is directly proportional to how we let ourselves be treated.
Couldn't agree more, Phil. We must re-educate America's girls and women.
We must educate EVERYBODY. Terry Real has written a book, US, about how to create a lasting marital relationship. He states that too often both males and females feel like victims when their partner does something that they don't like. And they might try to force the other person to see the error of their ways. Terry says you can't do this. "Would you rather be right or be married?"
Polly Young-Eisendrath is a Jungian analyst describing how to respond to people so that you remain curious about their thinking and don't automatically judge and blame when someone disappoints you.
I find I'm getting along much better with myself and the rest of the world following their advice.
We must educate everyone. When people collaborate we must never stoop to criticizing devaluing commanding feeling entitled. Both males and females must appreciate each other. I watched a Hindu marriage on YouTube a few weeks ago. The woman fed the man he thanked her for it. The man then fed the woman, and she, in turn, thanked him for it. I don't know how they treated each other after the marriage ceremony but reciprocity is certainly a great start.
It certainly is...
Oh Phil I recently saw a cartoon meme that expressed this very idea. There were two parts. The top part then man is describing what he can offer: I have my own farm, I own 5 horses, I sell dairy products as well, I make a good living, I have a large house with good heating and make enough money to start a family, etc.
Then he asks the woman what do you bring to the table? She opens her jacket and flashes two enormous breasts.
I think the humor expresses resentment. Why should males have to work so hard for pretty much nothing? Why does their sexual desire not lead them into a loving appreciative mutual caring relationship--but instead an entitled ungrateful "bitch"?
How do we bring diplomacy to negotiate an end to the sex wars? Or will it be, instead, the nuclear option?
BRILLIANT..I SUBSCRIBED...CALL ME A MYSOGINIST (SP) BUT THIS IS ALL TRUE...I SEE IT IN MY DAUGHTERS AND IN MY 2 EX AND EVERYWHERE
THIS IS ALSO WHY THERE WAS NO RED WAVE...SINGLE WOMEN STILL FEAR AND HATE THE PARTY OF TRUMP IMO
SEVENTY SINGLE AND SANE
Misogynist! I'm laughing right now..."Seventy Single and Sane." Love it.
Excellent point about the lack of the red wave. Women, in particular, have allowed their angry feelings toward Trump to get in the way of voting their true interests. Brilliant play by the Democrats to seed Trump Derangement Syndrome across the nation, and utterly destructive.
Thanks for your response Dr McDonald
Yes they did a great job. I was so happy when trump won...but i started watching CNN and even I started to doubt him right away ...to the point of being inflicted with TDS...I woke up when covid censorship became apparent...and came to my senses....
Two words explain the Female voter problem IMO "The View" ....100% of their audience is Female for sure ...sheesh
Anyhow thanks again...this article is brilliant. i posted it on our very busy Board ...Goldtent and it triggered a very lively interesting discussion...I am looking forward to following your work
https://goldtadise.com/?p=563074
What a great discussion--great to read everyone's thoughts on this board. One person pointed to her experience with dance, and its traditional lead / follow roles, as a place that preserves healthy male / female dynamics. Even that, though, is under attack, as a "traditional" French dance instructor in Paris was recently fired from her job after insisting that all her students refer to one another as "men" and "women" with sex-assigned lead / follow roles. So this problem is not just American but extends well into Western Europe, as another writer pointed out.
I used to follow West Coast Swing channels on YouTube. Both males and females are required to learn both roles because there may not be an even sex ratio. I used to be far more interested in the males. I thought they were much better at following than the females were at leading. But that's probably only because I was more attracted to them.
Here is an example of a grossly overweight male dancing with a petite female. They are obviously collaborating despite her greater mobility. He often tries imitating her moves--getting a huge round of laughter and applause. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgwTU9UlHK4 At one point he surprises her by kissing her and she imitates wiping off his saliva. Then a little while later she attempts to reverse roles (although he's MUCH taller.) And now he is the one wiping off her saliva from the kiss.
Here is Jordan Frisbee dancing with his wife Tatiana Mollmann. She is a much more aggressive dancer, but he seems content or even to enjoy following her moves. They are both fantastic dancers. It's underrated how good he is at responding to her showy gymnastic moves even though he looks more passive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcUx49VLc3E
John Lindo was very big in the WCS world 20 years ago. Not sure if he's still around or not. Jordan and Tatiana are still professional dance partners and operate out of LA but travel the world. Jordan is probably the best consistent lead in WCS for over two decades.
Are you a fan? WCS shut down a bit during Covid. I think John was dancing in 2018 BUT he gained so much weight!! He's a great dancer and obviously loves the music, but I'd love to see what he could do if he were normal BMI. (Yeah and let's reverse his age, too, while we're at it.)
Jordan started dancing when he was 5 or 6. If you really want to be good at something--start from birth!! That's why so many parents have children who are also skilled in the same discipline.
Brilliant work once again. It is important that people in this field (psychology) point out the Emperor has no clothes, thank god you are doing just that....in my practice I call this "archetypal dysfunction" ...the functioning of the relational masculine/feminine archetypes in men and women in relationship (or two compatible sexual orientations) must be regarded...you don't have to necessarily follow them, but you must be conscious if you are going to deviate from their energy. There really is no reason to NOT follow them as they have worked very well for quite some time...but if you resist and oppose that energy unconsciously, you end up with exactly what you describe here so eloquently. (you can also be tricked into this dysfunction by the culture at large)
I work with men in particular that express these issues (women too, but usually then only in couples). The "puer aeterna" is a huge concern (the video game playing couch potato)...eternal boy who has no idea how to interface with a "real live girl"...you have opened my eyes to the female side of this dysfunction, which is just as pertinent. All of this is culture driven, and now, after this Covid fiasco, I believe it is intentionally driven to breakdown society...I know, sounds dramatic...but it is too "out there" to be a natural evolutionary phenomenon.
Yes, archetypes are excellent models to follow when nothing seems to make sense--they help orient you much like a compass but in a multi-dimensional way that not includes direction but embodiment. Both men and women ignore them at their peril.
I'd like to give you 10 extra likes for your comment. In my family of origin, my mother was an angry alcoholic. My stepfather also drank heavily (didn't lots of families in the 50's?). She would yell at him, and he then would provoke her on purpose. He knew exactly what to say to trigger an explosive angry drunken retort. He was the kindly "sober" understanding male. And she was the deranged angry female raging at "bad men," men she hated. My mother yelled at me all the time when she was drinking and probably reliving traumatic memories of sexual abuse which I couldn't understand. I wish I could go back in time now and get her or give her effective treatment. She kept saying men were no good, they wanted only one thing and I needed to kill them and fight back. Are you kidding? My real father never once yelled at me. Of course, I didn't see him much and he was a happy drunk. Anyway, I ended up convinced that males are the victims and females are the perpetrators that must to control themselves so as not to offend. Men and women both need relationship therapy to understand that a good relationship is based on "soft power." Asking, not demanding. But standing up for yourself. Not becoming the all giving subservient Stepford wife. Here's Terry explaining his relationship goals https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tb1-C5j_OUg&list=TLPQMTcwNzIwMjPc0gjINpOfOQ&index=3
EIGHTY, WIDOWED, AND SLIGHTLY INSANE. Glad to meet you :)
Ha ha! Very funny.
Correction. Not all women. Democrats pivoted from supporting the working class to supporting the technocrats. Rural, conservative women are fine with Trump. Or more fine than urban professional women who think of him as crude and unappealing.
Urban vs rural is the real divide right now in this country--on every level.
So true. Denis Rancourt thinks reason for higher death rates from Covid in southern rural areas is due to combination of infections with weed killer toxicities. I just finished a great book, Relationships 5.0. The book describes how family structures and relationships change with new technologies. Relationship 1.0 was hunter gathering with small egalitarian tribes of about 15-20 people living in relative harmony. Their values discouraged narcissism. They praised the arrow (made by elderly or females) rather than the hunter, for example. Now along comes agriculture. Less starvation, more productivity. Rise of multigenerational families and the patriarchy so land would stay in the family. Arranged marriages. Man and woman with assigned roles working together on the farm. Now industrialization causes Relationship 3.0 with the rise of urban centers and factories. You have smaller nuclear families and people marry for love. Capitalism forces more individualism and competition. Each family has its own refrigerator, its own car, etc. Next Relationship 4.0 is rise of technology, smart phones, severe individualism. We each can demand our own special environment with our own bubble of truth. We don't share the same media, we become more and more narcissistic. Females can do the same work as males and think they can demand the same respect, privileges and control. Finally, cheers the author, we are at the brink of Relationships 5.0 where AI will make it possible for humans to have perfectly attuned companions, sex robots that will be the perfect lover--especially for males dissatisfied with the pushy, entitled females of Relationship 4.0. AI robots will service the elderly who can be safely warehoused where they won't bother anybody. We are at the brink of utopia, the author exults. What's your opinion about transhumanism? I'm thinking about a brain implant to receive my government orders directly from the 5G cell phone towers which will soon be built on almost every New York sidewalk. A real necessity for the increasingly necessary surveillance which our modern government requires.
Although I have no desire for us to return to tribalism, guaranteeing nothing but a short and brutish life, internationalism is equally undesirable. Communities should evolve. Technology is necessary to improve living standards. Robots can perform dangerous work and protect people from injury. I see the source of the problem not in modernization (farms, factories, cities, computers) but in the rise of secular culture. Personality disorders, anxiety, and depression were measurably lower in the US in the 1950s, at the peak of our "modernization." We were also a much more religious nation. Absent religion, a vacuum of meaning opens up, and what fills it are destructive and immoral movements like marxism, feminism, and environmentalism. We are not failing because we are moving forward. We are failing because we are moving backward, to a pre-biblical age best defined as paganism.
When I say "we" it isn't actually true. Some of us today are still living in small tribal communities. We have agrarian multi family farming communities, along with small family houses and members commuting to work in the city, along with small apartments with single persons, and lonely isolated people avoiding other people avoiding marriage and dating and having affairs with their phones. Are you part of a religious community yourself?
Most cities in the US are now essentially secular communities.
I thank God my generation wasn’t like this! I dated in the 80’s, 90’s...born in 1963.
We took pride in the way we looked and loved getting ready for a dinner date!
It’s really sad what’s happened in society. At 59, I still take pride in self care and decorum.
It's rare that I can say with conviction, "Things were better back then." In this case, they clearly were.
I respect your directness, Dr. McDonald. I’m thankful I’ve been married over 35 years to a wise man who also tells it like it is. I loved your book United States of Fear, too!
God bless you!
The culture of the West has been infiltrated by the neo-Marxist ideologies. The institutions that teach being "a man" is not cool, and being "a woman" is un-feminine is all by design to destroy the traditional values of not just of America's past that are rooted in Judeo/Christian ethics but to destroy the fabric of reality. Unless Marxism is exposed and refuted this country will soon be broken up into many pieces. But that is the Marxist agenda for many years now...and it looks like they won.
I just discussed this on the Jesse Lee Peterson show--the Manhood Hour--today. A caller complained that his wife was holding him hostage emotionally and preventing him from relocating the family to another city. He would not stand up to her because he feared she would take the kids and move in with her parents, who would align against him. Jesse calmly suggested that he take the kids and leave, and let his wife follow...or not. The caller was so afraid to face the emotional blowback from his wife of establishing himself as the man of the house that he couldn't bring himself to accept Jesse's counsel. This call encapsulates what America has done to manhood today.
I agree with much of this observation on our culture's current state of affairs.
And even as a woman, I can understand to some degree the level of frustration in men with this dilemma because women have had a similar problem for some time.
Some people show up in life as newly minted 18 yr olds, ready to be an adult and accept responsibility. The rest of us have to figure it out as we go. I count myself in the second group.
Complaining, at it's core, is a projection of powerlessness. Individuals making requests and being willing to listen to others contribute a great deal to improving the smallest component of a culture, the individual.
If one desires hope in any aspect of our society, it would be helpful to do as Ghandi advised and be the change that one wishes to see in the world.
Being the change means growing up. I've found that when I desire to make conscious personal improvement, it is work. And it involves pain. But it's productive pain and well worth the effort because when the work is done, the pain is a memory and not a recurring trauma.
This a personal sacrifice that most are not willing to make: to give up infantile thinking and put the other first. This is how real love behaves and love is the fuel of a healthy society.
So, LOVE really is the answer.
The left opposes truth, joy, and love. Until we all acknowledge this, despite political differences, and unite to fight it, we will remain mired in this circular firing squad.
Yes. As we mature and become less selfish, we find the others with whom we can unite.
Not everyone desires to do this kind of work; it's very uncomfortable and exposes darkness within oneself. But, Love truly overcomes evil because evil is a corruption of what is good and going back the source of beauty, goodness and truth, we find love. Love was there first.
When I first became aware of the feminist movement, I was a student at Berkeley in 1968. Even then I knew that this would not turn out well, and it's even worse than my young self could imagine. Fortunately, I married a wonderful man, we have a traditional marriage (48 years), and my heart breaks for these young women who miss out on the blessing of being women. Many years ago, I had a conversation with an elderly German woman who was visiting our church, she said that she felt so sorry for all of these young women who would never know that joy of courtship. That sort of summed it uo=p.
Thanks for another honest and insightful piece, Dr. M. Merry Christmas!
The biggest losers from the feminist movement are, ironically, the women. Those women who rail against my views are in that group, which is doubly sad.
Actually it seems many dogs cannot resist playing with porcupines. I used to watch "The Incredible Dr. Pol," a veterinarian reality show. Many times dogs would come in with their mouths covered in porcupine quills which the vets would laboriously extract. The dogs usually required sedation since it was so painful a procedure. Yet they never learned. I am an American woman, and I try to control my quills and hope to be able to play with American men--even if it's only tennis.
I agree with some of your ideas--and I disagree with others. About personality and values, I definitely agree. Narcissism, ingratitude, overbearing, judgmental, arrogance, lack of support. Yes, I see this in many substack posts with women criticizing men. I do not agree. I feel men are desirable, wonderful, attractive (drool).
But I don't think sexual attraction should be the main basis for a relationship.
I disagree that the criteria for females should be pretty, charming, carefree.
PRETTY
I do think it's required for both males and females to take care of their health, personal grooming, and appearance. We aren't all gifted with physical beauty. I find most men appealing--at least they nearly all have one or two good selling points. But I do require cleanliness. Especially teeth. Because that's so easy to remedy. For me, I might need prodding (let your hair grow, wear skirts, exercise more. Fortunately weight and skin are just about perfect). I'm open to suggestion, but need a lot of reinforcement because comfort is a big motivator for me. Why wear lipstick when it's only going to wear off when kissing?
CHARMING
If that means responsive. Able to attract the man's interest (i.e. showing appreciation, getting involved with shared interests/activities) Is that what it means? Because charming becomes more like hunger/thirst. You are attracted or charmed to start to pay attention--but what's going to keep your attention once you have begun to spend time together? NO ONE is charming 24/7, I can assure you. But people can, like dogs, show our affection and happiness to be with this other person.
LET'S TAKE CAREFREE
If you are choosing the mother of your children, do you want the mother to be carefree? Darling, where is Justin? Has he been fed? "Oh, he'll be fine. He's around somewhere." To require a person to be carefree makes sense only when paired with its opposite: hypersensitivity, extreme anxiety, overly caring.
When I dated my husband and we eventually married, he actually enjoyed my hypersensitivity. And I enjoyed his stoicism, rationality, and preternatural calmness. (He was an engineer) I looked at him when I first saw him (in a Feldenkrais/Gestalt therapy workshop) and thought, "I need this man. He will help me calm down.
Yes, this was absolutely the case. Later I would be rushing around the apartment moaning where is my purse? My purse is lost! After 10 minutes of frantic complaints, my husband would look up from his computer and tell me, "It's not lost." And then go back to working. I felt better. But he told me, too, that he valued my hypersensitivity it made him feel alive. Everyone else told him that they might go crazy paired with such an anxious person.
My husband was generally self absorbed, highly critical of his mates, and demanding. But I grew up getting constant criticism from my mother, so I thought it was really nice he wasn't yelling and he wasn't drinking--so he was great. Also he knew he asked for a lot and praised me for being so responsive to him.
I will try very hard to bring value to my relationships. For example, I am taking the trouble to learn Dutch to show one of my friends born in the Netherlands that I want to be able to converse in his native tongue. He likes that.
I know most men prefer their women to have long hair. I have short hair because I'm really tired, and I don't want to spend a lot of time caring for my hair.
My rules for attraction are pretty much the same for both male and female persons. The number one thing (I think I'm a bit autistic) is what activities do you like? What is your world view? Do you like discussing things and trading opinions? My husband and I were both world class hypochondriacs, searching for ways to keep ourselves healthy. When he choose me over other girlfriends, he told me, "I think you will be most likely to care for me." (He was 10 years older, but looked much younger.) I'm the same. I always look younger than I am. He proved to be right. I cared for him 24/7 from September 2016 to January 2017 when he died. I adored him.
Before he became completely disabled, we played tennis together almost every day. I'm very strong and athletic so we were evenly matched. We loved learning new skills together. I taught him volleyball, and he joined my volleyball practice and became a favorite with our team.
I have a degree in music, and he loved singing, so I used to go with him to his singing lesson.
We loved psychology and regularly attended psychotherapy workshops (where I met him). We would discuss how to manage our psychological weaknesses. He hoped for more energy, I hoped to learn how to fit in.
We adored food and tried out every new restaurant as soon as it opened.
We both worked with computers. I was more patient and he was more inventive. He bought all our new computers and loaded the latest software. I would debug the problems. I would also handle all correspondence because I type at the speed of light.
We didn't have too many other friends because we were so busy enjoying each other. I think he was better than I at socializing because he didn't get so easily upset by any signs of disapproval. We both had high demands for attention (he more than I), which we were both fairly happy to fulfill.
We were married happily for almost 40 years. If I ever choose another partner to date--it won't be going to a bar or a party or dating app or anything like that. Instead, I would pick someone that I enjoyed talking to in a health food store (about supplements), in a conference about Covid or playing tennis or reading group.
I don't believe in "THE ONE" meaning that the man is supposed to adore me, be the best of all available mates, cater to my every demand. NO. I believe we must at minimal be compatible i.e. I won't survive with a smoker because I have COPD. I believe we will be collaborating. I will have now relationship with another human being who is endlessly fascinating and provides stimulation, shared activities, and someone for me to cherish. I intend to learn how. (Each person has their own standards for how to feel loved.) My man doesn't have to be perfect. And we don't have to agree on everything. (Just no drug addicts or serial killers, please). Let's see how much we can enjoy each other.
I'm something of a Unicorn having never been married and no kids..so I may be living proof of your point minus the toxic narcissism LOL.
This was so hard to read as you come off as a hurt little child.. no offence but what did you expect living in LA ,not to mention students from UCLA for that matter? To be fair, I detest that Mom Jeans are a thing now or that OnyFans is becoming a normalized platform that is somehow empowering women and don't even get me started on men putting on a dress and competing in women's sports.. We had to demand the right to vote and equal pay because it wasn't going to be given to us- now it seems, women are being pushed in the background again , this time by men in drag.. WTH??
Being raised in the south with three older brothers I was taught to work hard for the things I wanted and not just marry well as was the wish of many a young women in the 60, 70s.. I'm sure women were women in the 40 and 50s but listening to my mother , who was happily married to my father for over 60 years , the closest they ever came to devoicing was when my dad came home from the war and she had to quit her job and get back into the kitchen. We are all products of our environment and that's the generation that raised me.. moving forward think about the generation that raised todays girls and what they endured by men in the office. Could it be that they perhaps went a little over board because they didn't want their daughters to be subject to the sexual harassment they endured in the work place?
Sounds like you were raised by excellent parents who modeled a good, healthy marriage. Sadly, that has become a thing of the past for most young women today. Narcissism has taken its place. The lifetime prevalence of depression among American women now exceeds 40%, as does chronic singledom. This is a natural consequence of the feminist movement, which cares as much about women as BLM cares about blacks, teachers' unions care about students, or the transgender "rights" movement cares about children. And both sexes continue to suffer.
I hate the term "Feminist". Is it feminism to want to be treated fairly? I don't doubt that your medical experience with young people gives you better understanding/ insight then most, but seems your view is slightly narrow. Again LA, really? To be fair, I could say the same about Miami, New York, even Chi town.. but the fly over states , the south? No.
Having just joined, I have enjoyed your writing and look forward ( with highlighter in hand) to reading your books. Just know there's a small bird poking her head out from time to time to keep you honest. :)
Your a conservative man on an island surrounded by She Sharks. God help you.
Thank you for the support, Robin. To answer your (rhetorical) question, no, it's not. Feminism is a Left-wing collectivist movement based on hatred of men and disgust with the feminine. It has roped in well-meaning women (and men) for decades, despite is utter lack of concern or interest in furthering the well-being of women.
To point out a more glaring comparison--the "anti-racism" movement. Sounds great. Who's for racism? Yet it's a Marxist hate group. These deceptions are explained in my Red Pill Course--How to Not be Fooled at ipak-edu. Until we can see through the lies, we remain bound by them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRxhnSkgxtk “It’s An Emergency!” The Number Of Men Having No Sex Increased 180%! - Professor Scott Galloway
Mary Harrington a while ago ago had a post that spoke to this concern on her substack. https://reactionaryfeminist.substack.com/p/incredible-shrinking-men
She believes that men playing video games while women do all the work and raise the kids as well are in a quest for honor--and that we need to restore honor to males who have lost their roles as the protector, the bread winner, the fireman, police officer--i.e., well-paying valued blue collar work that requires strength and is respected. And now honor is only virtual. Really good points.
Saw J.P.Sears reporting on Disney's new remake of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." The new version seems to omit men. Snow White is not going to be kissed by a prince. No dwarves either. J.P. Sears speculates, maybe she will remain dead. Disney seems to be saying we need men to remain weak--while women are empowered. So empowered, in fact, that they don't need anyone. Watch the channel to see how Disney may be losing even more viewers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L72BhAYTiM&list=TLPQMDMwODIwMjMvnPXobBsUZQ&index=14
I just saw a meme from Bad Cattitude. It made me think of this substack post. The meme compares Teens in 60 B.C. vs. Teens Today. The teen from 60 B.C. is a dog standing proud with enormous biceps wearing shiny armor carrying a heavy sword and shield. He announces, "I have returned from gladiator training and ready for my arranged marriage." The teen of today is sitting back wearing an LGBTQ flag on his head. He whimpers, "Mom, Timmy called me a he."
Bad Cattitude is quite good, and funny.
Yes, this is why America has no men left anymore!
Thinking of this substack when I listen to Terry Real a couples therapist who lectures on "Soft Power" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr3oosphVFI&t=62s Terry states that as industrialization gave females more and more power to become independent because of birth control and access to high paying jobs that didn't require heavy lifting they became more and more demanding. "I am woman--hear me roar!" Terry approves of increased vulnerability for the male partner. He believes that everyone will better from a more companionate marriage. But scolding and demanding is not the way to go. The males used to have dominance. "Why should I listen to her?" they impatiently ask Terry as he gives them therapy. "Hello? You LIVE with her. If she's dissatisfied she will continue to make you miserable." Always, he says, the partner who is losing the argument makes the other partner pay for it. Who's right? Who's wrong? The answer is -- who cares, says Terry. Would you rather be right--or rather be married? He says the problem with our current strategy in relationships is we take what we get--until someone displeases us. Then we shoot them down with our displeasure. This is no way to create a loving relationship! Don't try to force your partner to do your will by showing them how wrong they are. Take a time out, if necessary, but tell them you will return in x minutes or they will keep pursuing you. Here's his solution to the argument, "You are a bad driver. No I'm not. Yes you are, you tail gate, you speed, you change lanes, etc. You are over anxious, I'm an excellent driver. I have great reflexes."
BETTER. Darling, I love you very much. I know you care for me. You don't want me to constantly worry and freak out when we're driving together--do you? Could you just drive 10 mph slower as a favor to me?
HE: OK.
Terry has a great solution to the difficulty when your partner is criticizing you. It works 50% of the time. What's the solution? Give them what they want. His lecture is really good. It worked for me a lot of times! And even if it didn't I felt so much better. Less outraged.