58 Comments
Dec 22, 2022Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

This is sadly all true. Many women have a delusional existence of completely overblown sexual marketplace value, expectations of men and zero accountability. They conflate the notion that just because they can easily find a man to hook up with, that is enough to keep him. A man has to bring to the table a litany of traits: height, status, financial position, sense of humor, etc. You ask them what they offer and you get crickets other than “me”.

As you point out Mark, this is a multifactorial problem but I would add that many lack positive male role models. Sadly, many of these women are partially ‘created’ by their fathers as daddy’s little princesses. This being a recipe I vowed not to follow with raising my daughter. They are shown they can get what they want by throwing a tantrum or some other act.

There is already a reckoning happening with the growing MGTOW movement. Men are wising up but given our biological proclivity to pair bond, staying away indefinitely is not ideal. Marriage in most parts of the world is about duty. A union of 2 to survive and raise a family. Not the mindset in the west for sure.

Men to be f’ing men. Our sense of self worth is directly proportional to how we let ourselves be treated.

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Dec 22, 2022Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

BRILLIANT..I SUBSCRIBED...CALL ME A MYSOGINIST (SP) BUT THIS IS ALL TRUE...I SEE IT IN MY DAUGHTERS AND IN MY 2 EX AND EVERYWHERE

THIS IS ALSO WHY THERE WAS NO RED WAVE...SINGLE WOMEN STILL FEAR AND HATE THE PARTY OF TRUMP IMO

SEVENTY SINGLE AND SANE

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Dec 22, 2022Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

I thank God my generation wasn’t like this! I dated in the 80’s, 90’s...born in 1963.

We took pride in the way we looked and loved getting ready for a dinner date!

It’s really sad what’s happened in society. At 59, I still take pride in self care and decorum.

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Dec 22, 2022Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

I respect your directness, Dr. McDonald. I’m thankful I’ve been married over 35 years to a wise man who also tells it like it is. I loved your book United States of Fear, too!

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founding
Jan 6, 2023Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

The culture of the West has been infiltrated by the neo-Marxist ideologies. The institutions that teach being "a man" is not cool, and being "a woman" is un-feminine is all by design to destroy the traditional values of not just of America's past that are rooted in Judeo/Christian ethics but to destroy the fabric of reality. Unless Marxism is exposed and refuted this country will soon be broken up into many pieces. But that is the Marxist agenda for many years now...and it looks like they won.

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Dec 22, 2022·edited Dec 22, 2022

I agree with much of this observation on our culture's current state of affairs.

And even as a woman, I can understand to some degree the level of frustration in men with this dilemma because women have had a similar problem for some time.

Some people show up in life as newly minted 18 yr olds, ready to be an adult and accept responsibility. The rest of us have to figure it out as we go. I count myself in the second group.

Complaining, at it's core, is a projection of powerlessness. Individuals making requests and being willing to listen to others contribute a great deal to improving the smallest component of a culture, the individual.

If one desires hope in any aspect of our society, it would be helpful to do as Ghandi advised and be the change that one wishes to see in the world.

Being the change means growing up. I've found that when I desire to make conscious personal improvement, it is work. And it involves pain. But it's productive pain and well worth the effort because when the work is done, the pain is a memory and not a recurring trauma.

This a personal sacrifice that most are not willing to make: to give up infantile thinking and put the other first. This is how real love behaves and love is the fuel of a healthy society.

So, LOVE really is the answer.

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Dec 27, 2022Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

When I first became aware of the feminist movement, I was a student at Berkeley in 1968. Even then I knew that this would not turn out well, and it's even worse than my young self could imagine. Fortunately, I married a wonderful man, we have a traditional marriage (48 years), and my heart breaks for these young women who miss out on the blessing of being women. Many years ago, I had a conversation with an elderly German woman who was visiting our church, she said that she felt so sorry for all of these young women who would never know that joy of courtship. That sort of summed it uo=p.

Thanks for another honest and insightful piece, Dr. M. Merry Christmas!

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Aug 4, 2023Liked by Mark McDonald, M.D.

Actually it seems many dogs cannot resist playing with porcupines. I used to watch "The Incredible Dr. Pol," a veterinarian reality show. Many times dogs would come in with their mouths covered in porcupine quills which the vets would laboriously extract. The dogs usually required sedation since it was so painful a procedure. Yet they never learned. I am an American woman, and I try to control my quills and hope to be able to play with American men--even if it's only tennis.

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I agree with some of your ideas--and I disagree with others. About personality and values, I definitely agree. Narcissism, ingratitude, overbearing, judgmental, arrogance, lack of support. Yes, I see this in many substack posts with women criticizing men. I do not agree. I feel men are desirable, wonderful, attractive (drool).

But I don't think sexual attraction should be the main basis for a relationship.

I disagree that the criteria for females should be pretty, charming, carefree.

PRETTY

I do think it's required for both males and females to take care of their health, personal grooming, and appearance. We aren't all gifted with physical beauty. I find most men appealing--at least they nearly all have one or two good selling points. But I do require cleanliness. Especially teeth. Because that's so easy to remedy. For me, I might need prodding (let your hair grow, wear skirts, exercise more. Fortunately weight and skin are just about perfect). I'm open to suggestion, but need a lot of reinforcement because comfort is a big motivator for me. Why wear lipstick when it's only going to wear off when kissing?

CHARMING

If that means responsive. Able to attract the man's interest (i.e. showing appreciation, getting involved with shared interests/activities) Is that what it means? Because charming becomes more like hunger/thirst. You are attracted or charmed to start to pay attention--but what's going to keep your attention once you have begun to spend time together? NO ONE is charming 24/7, I can assure you. But people can, like dogs, show our affection and happiness to be with this other person.

LET'S TAKE CAREFREE

If you are choosing the mother of your children, do you want the mother to be carefree? Darling, where is Justin? Has he been fed? "Oh, he'll be fine. He's around somewhere." To require a person to be carefree makes sense only when paired with its opposite: hypersensitivity, extreme anxiety, overly caring.

When I dated my husband and we eventually married, he actually enjoyed my hypersensitivity. And I enjoyed his stoicism, rationality, and preternatural calmness. (He was an engineer) I looked at him when I first saw him (in a Feldenkrais/Gestalt therapy workshop) and thought, "I need this man. He will help me calm down.

Yes, this was absolutely the case. Later I would be rushing around the apartment moaning where is my purse? My purse is lost! After 10 minutes of frantic complaints, my husband would look up from his computer and tell me, "It's not lost." And then go back to working. I felt better. But he told me, too, that he valued my hypersensitivity it made him feel alive. Everyone else told him that they might go crazy paired with such an anxious person.

My husband was generally self absorbed, highly critical of his mates, and demanding. But I grew up getting constant criticism from my mother, so I thought it was really nice he wasn't yelling and he wasn't drinking--so he was great. Also he knew he asked for a lot and praised me for being so responsive to him.

I will try very hard to bring value to my relationships. For example, I am taking the trouble to learn Dutch to show one of my friends born in the Netherlands that I want to be able to converse in his native tongue. He likes that.

I know most men prefer their women to have long hair. I have short hair because I'm really tired, and I don't want to spend a lot of time caring for my hair.

My rules for attraction are pretty much the same for both male and female persons. The number one thing (I think I'm a bit autistic) is what activities do you like? What is your world view? Do you like discussing things and trading opinions? My husband and I were both world class hypochondriacs, searching for ways to keep ourselves healthy. When he choose me over other girlfriends, he told me, "I think you will be most likely to care for me." (He was 10 years older, but looked much younger.) I'm the same. I always look younger than I am. He proved to be right. I cared for him 24/7 from September 2016 to January 2017 when he died. I adored him.

Before he became completely disabled, we played tennis together almost every day. I'm very strong and athletic so we were evenly matched. We loved learning new skills together. I taught him volleyball, and he joined my volleyball practice and became a favorite with our team.

I have a degree in music, and he loved singing, so I used to go with him to his singing lesson.

We loved psychology and regularly attended psychotherapy workshops (where I met him). We would discuss how to manage our psychological weaknesses. He hoped for more energy, I hoped to learn how to fit in.

We adored food and tried out every new restaurant as soon as it opened.

We both worked with computers. I was more patient and he was more inventive. He bought all our new computers and loaded the latest software. I would debug the problems. I would also handle all correspondence because I type at the speed of light.

We didn't have too many other friends because we were so busy enjoying each other. I think he was better than I at socializing because he didn't get so easily upset by any signs of disapproval. We both had high demands for attention (he more than I), which we were both fairly happy to fulfill.

We were married happily for almost 40 years. If I ever choose another partner to date--it won't be going to a bar or a party or dating app or anything like that. Instead, I would pick someone that I enjoyed talking to in a health food store (about supplements), in a conference about Covid or playing tennis or reading group.

I don't believe in "THE ONE" meaning that the man is supposed to adore me, be the best of all available mates, cater to my every demand. NO. I believe we must at minimal be compatible i.e. I won't survive with a smoker because I have COPD. I believe we will be collaborating. I will have now relationship with another human being who is endlessly fascinating and provides stimulation, shared activities, and someone for me to cherish. I intend to learn how. (Each person has their own standards for how to feel loved.) My man doesn't have to be perfect. And we don't have to agree on everything. (Just no drug addicts or serial killers, please). Let's see how much we can enjoy each other.

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founding

I'm something of a Unicorn having never been married and no kids..so I may be living proof of your point minus the toxic narcissism LOL.

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founding

This was so hard to read as you come off as a hurt little child.. no offence but what did you expect living in LA ,not to mention students from UCLA for that matter? To be fair, I detest that Mom Jeans are a thing now or that OnyFans is becoming a normalized platform that is somehow empowering women and don't even get me started on men putting on a dress and competing in women's sports.. We had to demand the right to vote and equal pay because it wasn't going to be given to us- now it seems, women are being pushed in the background again , this time by men in drag.. WTH??

Being raised in the south with three older brothers I was taught to work hard for the things I wanted and not just marry well as was the wish of many a young women in the 60, 70s.. I'm sure women were women in the 40 and 50s but listening to my mother , who was happily married to my father for over 60 years , the closest they ever came to devoicing was when my dad came home from the war and she had to quit her job and get back into the kitchen. We are all products of our environment and that's the generation that raised me.. moving forward think about the generation that raised todays girls and what they endured by men in the office. Could it be that they perhaps went a little over board because they didn't want their daughters to be subject to the sexual harassment they endured in the work place?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRxhnSkgxtk “It’s An Emergency!” The Number Of Men Having No Sex Increased 180%! - Professor Scott Galloway

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Mary Harrington a while ago ago had a post that spoke to this concern on her substack. https://reactionaryfeminist.substack.com/p/incredible-shrinking-men

She believes that men playing video games while women do all the work and raise the kids as well are in a quest for honor--and that we need to restore honor to males who have lost their roles as the protector, the bread winner, the fireman, police officer--i.e., well-paying valued blue collar work that requires strength and is respected. And now honor is only virtual. Really good points.

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Saw J.P.Sears reporting on Disney's new remake of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." The new version seems to omit men. Snow White is not going to be kissed by a prince. No dwarves either. J.P. Sears speculates, maybe she will remain dead. Disney seems to be saying we need men to remain weak--while women are empowered. So empowered, in fact, that they don't need anyone. Watch the channel to see how Disney may be losing even more viewers. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L72BhAYTiM&list=TLPQMDMwODIwMjMvnPXobBsUZQ&index=14

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I just saw a meme from Bad Cattitude. It made me think of this substack post. The meme compares Teens in 60 B.C. vs. Teens Today. The teen from 60 B.C. is a dog standing proud with enormous biceps wearing shiny armor carrying a heavy sword and shield. He announces, "I have returned from gladiator training and ready for my arranged marriage." The teen of today is sitting back wearing an LGBTQ flag on his head. He whimpers, "Mom, Timmy called me a he."

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Thinking of this substack when I listen to Terry Real a couples therapist who lectures on "Soft Power" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr3oosphVFI&t=62s Terry states that as industrialization gave females more and more power to become independent because of birth control and access to high paying jobs that didn't require heavy lifting they became more and more demanding. "I am woman--hear me roar!" Terry approves of increased vulnerability for the male partner. He believes that everyone will better from a more companionate marriage. But scolding and demanding is not the way to go. The males used to have dominance. "Why should I listen to her?" they impatiently ask Terry as he gives them therapy. "Hello? You LIVE with her. If she's dissatisfied she will continue to make you miserable." Always, he says, the partner who is losing the argument makes the other partner pay for it. Who's right? Who's wrong? The answer is -- who cares, says Terry. Would you rather be right--or rather be married? He says the problem with our current strategy in relationships is we take what we get--until someone displeases us. Then we shoot them down with our displeasure. This is no way to create a loving relationship! Don't try to force your partner to do your will by showing them how wrong they are. Take a time out, if necessary, but tell them you will return in x minutes or they will keep pursuing you. Here's his solution to the argument, "You are a bad driver. No I'm not. Yes you are, you tail gate, you speed, you change lanes, etc. You are over anxious, I'm an excellent driver. I have great reflexes."

BETTER. Darling, I love you very much. I know you care for me. You don't want me to constantly worry and freak out when we're driving together--do you? Could you just drive 10 mph slower as a favor to me?

HE: OK.

Terry has a great solution to the difficulty when your partner is criticizing you. It works 50% of the time. What's the solution? Give them what they want. His lecture is really good. It worked for me a lot of times! And even if it didn't I felt so much better. Less outraged.

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